"Selling Sickness"
Air Date: 2007-02-06
Recap: Alan Shore, Denny Crane, and Bethany Horowitz are hired to represent a judge who is suing a company for not delivering on its promise to cure him of his homosexuality. Meanwhile, Shirley Schmidt takes on a case involving the use of a controversial new drug that can dull traumatic memories.
While in the preliminary stages of the case:
Alan Shore: We're talking about homosexuality, your Honor. It's life threatening. If God doesn't get you for it, the skinheads will. And if the skinheads don't, the Republicans will. And if the Republicans don't, the Southern Democrats will. And if they don't, my God, it will be left up to Florida.
Later on in the law firm while drinking a single malt and smoking a stogey:
Denny Crain: We're making a big mistake here.
Alan Shore: Which one are you referring to?
Denny Crain: There isn't just one America. There's at least two -- maybe more. There's your America where people are tolerant, progressive, open-minded about alternative lifestyles. Then there's the other one. The one that thinks homosexuality is a disease. The one that elects presidents. There are more people than you think in that other America, Alan. We need to try this case in that country.
Defense closing argument. Alan Shore pulls out a wooden crate and stands on it.
Judge: What are you doing?!?!
Alan Shore: Climbing on my soapbox, Judge. I do it once a week.
Judge: Get off that thing now, Mr. Shore!
Alan Shore: You sure? This is vintage soapbox stuff. We've got God... money... politics... homosexuality... Has anyone ever heard of Restless Legs Syndrome? It's where you move your leg about in your sleep. It's awful!
You may have it. It may not keep you awake. It doesn't really harm you in any way. It may not bother you in the slightest, but none-the-less, it's awful.
The pharmaceutical companies have declared it so. So, they've invented a drug, and you simply must take it. If you haven't heard of Restless Leg, by the way, you probably have Attention Deficit Disorder. Awful! We've got a lot of drugs for that one. You must take them.
[Now looking at individual jurors.]
You're depressed.
You're not sleeping enough.
You think you're shy, but you've actually got a social anxiety disorder.
Weak stream.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
You people have all kinds of ailments that you don't know about. Luckily, we've got drugs for every one of them. You must take them.
My collegue has a case involving a forgetting pill. You can take that one to forget that you ever had Restless Leg or Irritable Bowels."
Judge: Mr. Shore, what are you talking about?!?!
Alan Shore: Same Sex Attraction Disorder, and what troubles me is why the folks in big pharmaceutical haven't developed a pill for this disease. Clearly, they're in the business of selling sickness. If there was a profit to be made, they would make it. And with an estimated gay population of over 10 million in the US alone, there's certainly a big enough market.
Could it be that they can't cure it?
Well, not to worry... If big pharmaceutical can't do it, maybe big religion can. And they are...
They're the ones who have coined the term, Same Sex Attraction Disorder. It's a very good name. Very important a good name... It's a crucial first step in disqualifying homosexuals as a segment of the population and categorizing them as a disease. It makes homosexuals seem less like people and more like... uh... the flu. And with terrible, awful symptoms... [Alan grimaces] But cureable...
And therefore, less concerning when it comes to an individual's rights... freedom... privacy... marriage...
Big religion is very concerned with marriage. Big religion is the one filling the pockets of congress. It actually got them to propose a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Think about that... A govermentally-imposed, systematic prejudice against a class based on their sexual orientation. Nevermind that one of the most trusted evangelical advisors to the president was himself having a homosexual affair on the side. Nevermind that one of our Congressmen was writing naughty emails to his teenage male pages. Isn't it just a disease?
And I thought it cureable. That's what they told me down at the... church.
Well... You can legislate against it. You can give it a clever name and treat people for it. You can shut your eyes, have sex with your wife, and pretend that it all feels... right. You can join the church and swear to be celibate for the rest of your life. You can drive around on a Saturday night with a baseball bat and try to beat it out of some poor soul you happen to meet. You can even come to this courtroom and can testify as to your new leaf and how well it's all working.
What a miracle!
My only response is... Give it time. We'll see.
Meanwhile, this company took $40,000 from my client -- promising to cure him of his gayness. Only in America! Only in a country that overtly and notoriously celebrates its prejudice against a class of people by proposing constitutional amendments!
God bless us all! Home of the brave!
[Looking to the CEO of the reparative therapy company] Shame on you! Couldn't you at least offered a money-back guarantee and thrown in a blender?
Closing scene on the law firm's sky-rise balconey -- once again over a single malt and stogey:
Alan Shore: Denny, you won the day again. You reminded me of that other America out there. Who teaches them their values?
Denny Crain: Well... For fidelity and family, we have Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert. For heterosexuality and keeping with God's will, we have Ted Haggard. For gambling, we have Bill Bennett, and for guns, Dick Cheney.
Alan Shore: But to deny an entire class of people one of their basic individual freedoms...
Denny Crain: Alan, you're talking about marriage -- an institution with sacred vows. Ones which we live up to almost fifty percent of the time. It's a sanctity.
Alan Shore: Even so, we've got millions of homosexuals in this country for God's sake...
Denny Crain: Most of them, Republicans...
Alan Shore: How do you feel about this issue, Denny?
Denny Crain: I'm all for gay rights, but letting them marry... Do we really want them to have children together? I mean... two biologically gay parents... Imagine what kind of an army we'd have... other than a happy one. I believe that if we are truly a nation of human rights, and I think that we are, we gotta walk the walk and not just talk the talk. But the problem with gay rights - especially when it comes to marriage, we don't even talk the talk in this country. So, the walk... If you ask me, there's only one real solution...
Alan Shore: Tell me...
Denny Crain: All those homosexuals... They join the N.R.A. Take over the gun lobby. Congress bends over and does whatever they want...
Alan Shore: A gay gun lobby...
Denny Crain: It's the only answer...
Alan Shore [chuckling]: I like it... Hey, you wanna have a sleepover tonight?
Denny Crain: I knew you'd go there.
Alan Shore: We could watch a movie.
Denny Crain: Every time I say something you agree with, you trot out the sleepover idea. It's sexual harassment!
Alan Shore: Popcorn.
Denny Crain [grumbling]: Not interested...
Alan Shore: S'mores...
Denny Crain: Old fashioned graham crackers?
Alan Shore: Is there anything else?
Denny Crain: Guns of Navarone?
Alan Shore: If you'd like...
Denny Crain: Separate beds...
Alan Shore: You bring the scotch.
Air Date: 2007-02-06
Recap: Alan Shore, Denny Crane, and Bethany Horowitz are hired to represent a judge who is suing a company for not delivering on its promise to cure him of his homosexuality. Meanwhile, Shirley Schmidt takes on a case involving the use of a controversial new drug that can dull traumatic memories.
While in the preliminary stages of the case:
Alan Shore: We're talking about homosexuality, your Honor. It's life threatening. If God doesn't get you for it, the skinheads will. And if the skinheads don't, the Republicans will. And if the Republicans don't, the Southern Democrats will. And if they don't, my God, it will be left up to Florida.
Later on in the law firm while drinking a single malt and smoking a stogey:
Denny Crain: We're making a big mistake here.
Alan Shore: Which one are you referring to?
Denny Crain: There isn't just one America. There's at least two -- maybe more. There's your America where people are tolerant, progressive, open-minded about alternative lifestyles. Then there's the other one. The one that thinks homosexuality is a disease. The one that elects presidents. There are more people than you think in that other America, Alan. We need to try this case in that country.
Defense closing argument. Alan Shore pulls out a wooden crate and stands on it.
Judge: What are you doing?!?!
Alan Shore: Climbing on my soapbox, Judge. I do it once a week.
Judge: Get off that thing now, Mr. Shore!
Alan Shore: You sure? This is vintage soapbox stuff. We've got God... money... politics... homosexuality... Has anyone ever heard of Restless Legs Syndrome? It's where you move your leg about in your sleep. It's awful!
You may have it. It may not keep you awake. It doesn't really harm you in any way. It may not bother you in the slightest, but none-the-less, it's awful.
The pharmaceutical companies have declared it so. So, they've invented a drug, and you simply must take it. If you haven't heard of Restless Leg, by the way, you probably have Attention Deficit Disorder. Awful! We've got a lot of drugs for that one. You must take them.
[Now looking at individual jurors.]
You're depressed.
You're not sleeping enough.
You think you're shy, but you've actually got a social anxiety disorder.
Weak stream.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
You people have all kinds of ailments that you don't know about. Luckily, we've got drugs for every one of them. You must take them.
My collegue has a case involving a forgetting pill. You can take that one to forget that you ever had Restless Leg or Irritable Bowels."
Judge: Mr. Shore, what are you talking about?!?!
Alan Shore: Same Sex Attraction Disorder, and what troubles me is why the folks in big pharmaceutical haven't developed a pill for this disease. Clearly, they're in the business of selling sickness. If there was a profit to be made, they would make it. And with an estimated gay population of over 10 million in the US alone, there's certainly a big enough market.
Could it be that they can't cure it?
Well, not to worry... If big pharmaceutical can't do it, maybe big religion can. And they are...
They're the ones who have coined the term, Same Sex Attraction Disorder. It's a very good name. Very important a good name... It's a crucial first step in disqualifying homosexuals as a segment of the population and categorizing them as a disease. It makes homosexuals seem less like people and more like... uh... the flu. And with terrible, awful symptoms... [Alan grimaces] But cureable...
And therefore, less concerning when it comes to an individual's rights... freedom... privacy... marriage...
Big religion is very concerned with marriage. Big religion is the one filling the pockets of congress. It actually got them to propose a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Think about that... A govermentally-imposed, systematic prejudice against a class based on their sexual orientation. Nevermind that one of the most trusted evangelical advisors to the president was himself having a homosexual affair on the side. Nevermind that one of our Congressmen was writing naughty emails to his teenage male pages. Isn't it just a disease?
And I thought it cureable. That's what they told me down at the... church.
Well... You can legislate against it. You can give it a clever name and treat people for it. You can shut your eyes, have sex with your wife, and pretend that it all feels... right. You can join the church and swear to be celibate for the rest of your life. You can drive around on a Saturday night with a baseball bat and try to beat it out of some poor soul you happen to meet. You can even come to this courtroom and can testify as to your new leaf and how well it's all working.
What a miracle!
My only response is... Give it time. We'll see.
Meanwhile, this company took $40,000 from my client -- promising to cure him of his gayness. Only in America! Only in a country that overtly and notoriously celebrates its prejudice against a class of people by proposing constitutional amendments!
God bless us all! Home of the brave!
[Looking to the CEO of the reparative therapy company] Shame on you! Couldn't you at least offered a money-back guarantee and thrown in a blender?
Closing scene on the law firm's sky-rise balconey -- once again over a single malt and stogey:
Alan Shore: Denny, you won the day again. You reminded me of that other America out there. Who teaches them their values?
Denny Crain: Well... For fidelity and family, we have Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert. For heterosexuality and keeping with God's will, we have Ted Haggard. For gambling, we have Bill Bennett, and for guns, Dick Cheney.
Alan Shore: But to deny an entire class of people one of their basic individual freedoms...
Denny Crain: Alan, you're talking about marriage -- an institution with sacred vows. Ones which we live up to almost fifty percent of the time. It's a sanctity.
Alan Shore: Even so, we've got millions of homosexuals in this country for God's sake...
Denny Crain: Most of them, Republicans...
Alan Shore: How do you feel about this issue, Denny?
Denny Crain: I'm all for gay rights, but letting them marry... Do we really want them to have children together? I mean... two biologically gay parents... Imagine what kind of an army we'd have... other than a happy one. I believe that if we are truly a nation of human rights, and I think that we are, we gotta walk the walk and not just talk the talk. But the problem with gay rights - especially when it comes to marriage, we don't even talk the talk in this country. So, the walk... If you ask me, there's only one real solution...
Alan Shore: Tell me...
Denny Crain: All those homosexuals... They join the N.R.A. Take over the gun lobby. Congress bends over and does whatever they want...
Alan Shore: A gay gun lobby...
Denny Crain: It's the only answer...
Alan Shore [chuckling]: I like it... Hey, you wanna have a sleepover tonight?
Denny Crain: I knew you'd go there.
Alan Shore: We could watch a movie.
Denny Crain: Every time I say something you agree with, you trot out the sleepover idea. It's sexual harassment!
Alan Shore: Popcorn.
Denny Crain [grumbling]: Not interested...
Alan Shore: S'mores...
Denny Crain: Old fashioned graham crackers?
Alan Shore: Is there anything else?
Denny Crain: Guns of Navarone?
Alan Shore: If you'd like...
Denny Crain: Separate beds...
Alan Shore: You bring the scotch.
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