"Nuts"
Air Date: 20070116
Recap: Denny Crane, dismayed to learn his name is on the federal No-Fly List, asks for Alan Shore's help in taking on Homeland Security.
Defense Closing Arguments
Denny Crain: This is going to be long, isn't it?
Alan Shore: Some of the new iPods you can load up to 20,000 songs on them. Streams of videos, pictures... All on a thing this big [holding his thumb and forefinger spread about three inches]...
The technology in this country is staggering, and yet the government can't their computers to erase my client from the No-Fly List -- even though they admit he shouldn't be on it. Instead, anybody named Denny Crain can't fly.
Now, Mr. Winchell is correct. He doesn't need me to indict Homeland Security. The 9/11 Commission already did that. The American public certainly doesn't need to hear it from me. No, what Homeland Security could really use from me, others, preferably others, is a little help.
Why not get it?
I'm sure Tom Ridge is a very nice man. Capable too. As is Michael Chertoff. But I can get 20,000 songs on my iPod!
We have geniuses in this country -- true pioneers of innovation. Steve Jobs, Steven Wazniak, Steve Ballmer... If we could just round up some of our best Steve's. We've got kids in garages inventing Google and YouTube. Jets can not only fly by computer, but they can now take off and land on auto-pilot.
Should we truly be stumped by this No-Fly computer list?
How 'bout something so simple as issuing a Flyer's License? It could have your picture, fingerprints. You show it. Scan the card and your fingers at the gate. If it's a match, you get your aisle seat.
This can't be undoable -- expensive maybe, but judging from recent spending patterns, we've got billions to throw around. Haliburton alone has profited over $10 billion from the war. Maybe we can get them to kick in.
Why is it our government leaders only tap into the private sector for campaign contributions or to pass out contracts to cronies?
Bill Gates is out there -- Paul Allen. Has anybody called them?
I bet Mark Cuban would personally fund the computer upgrades if you gave him free publicity.
Is it really against National Policy to think outside the box?
This isn't about beating up on Homeland Security. Everybody knows they're trying. I'm sure they're good people, but they simply cannot dispatch a representative to this courtroom to say the problem isn't fixable while thousands of Americans are being denied due process.
It so easily has to be fixable, and in the meantime, my client sits here today. A law-abiding man grounded while Bella lays writhing in Mauii!
Closing scene on the law firm's high-rise balconey. Once again, both Alan & Denny are drinking a single malt and smoking stogeys.
Alan: Denny, I'm not sure I've ever told you this, but I truly love America. I would never consider living anywhere else. This country is only 200 years old. It's a work in progress -- especially lately.
Denny: Alright, Mr. Smartypants, you get to change one thing. What is it?
Alan: Get rid of stores that end with "Mart."
Denny: Besides that.
Alan: One change... Well, first, I'd like to stop people from passing off narrowmindedness and intolerance as family values.
Denny: No, no, no... That's political. It doesn't count. Name a change that relates to this issue, government technology.
Alan: I made that suggestion in court. Hire the geniuses -- not the guy who's got the best lobbyist or the rich friend who'll take you to his quail ranch and let you shoot him. Hire the thinkers.
Denny: The Steves...
Alan: For a start. Instead of every Tom, Dick, and Brownie, let's turn our visionaries loose. At the very least, we'll be rid of those stores where you can buy both meat and CDs.
What would you change?
Denny: Not a thing...
Alan: Not a thing...
Denny: This country works, Alan. You Democrats don't want to admit it. Oh, I'm not saying there aren't kinks -- foam chips off of the occasional space craft. We start the odd war on false pretenses, but by and large, America works. That's why I'm completely nuts about it.
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