10/13/06 - And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.
But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.
And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?
When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.
You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.
So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.
I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!
So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person fucking him...is you.
10/06/06 - You're going to enjoy New Rules now, everybody.
WILLIAMS: Yeah!
MAHER: New Rules! Okay, New Rule: Republicans - Republicans must get honest about why they oppose stem cell research.
WILLIAMS: [speaking Spanish as if translating Maher's New Rule]
ROS-LEHTINEN: That's for my Miami audience.
MAHER: Oh, this is going to be a long New Rules.
WILLIAMS: [speaking French as if translating "stem cell" New Rule]
MAHER: It's not because a frozen speck on a microscope slide constitutes life. It's because stem cell research shows promise in restoring spinal cord tissue, and that could help the Democrats. Come on, give me one on that. [He bumps knuckles with Ros-Lehtinen] Come on.
WILLIAMS: Oprah! Be there!
MAHER: New Rule: President Bush's dog Barney has to run away from home. President Bush has said he won't pull out of Iraq even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting him. And we know Laura isn't going to leave. Which means the country is depending on you, Barney! Run, boy, run!
WILLIAMS: [barks]
MAHER: Besides, President Bush doesn't love you anymore. He's found a new pet who'll roll over on command. [slide shown of Bush embracing John McCain] [audience reacts]
WILLIAMS: Whoa!
MAHER: New Rule: When you screw up royally and attribute your behavior to alcoholism, then mental illness, and then claim you were molested as a child, you have to just say, "Screw it," and keep going and say you were also beaten dyslexic, babysat by John Mark Karr, wore hand-me-down clothes, got picked last in kickball, turned tricks for money, lived out of a van, had superfluous nipples and got sent back to Cuba by Janet Reno.
New Rule: Stop telling me to go to your website for "more on the story." We're both here now. Why don't you tell me the whole story? You tease. How would you like it if I climaxed first and said, "For more on your orgasm, go to that contraption in your panty drawer."
And finally, New Rule: Since we can't get the lobbyists out of the capitol, we're going to have to move the capitol to someplace lobbyists would never set foot in, like Bed-Stuy or South Central, or a public golf course. It's not as crazy as it sounds, because that's how Washington got moved here in the first place. America's capitol had been in Philadelphia, and then New York. But it was deliberately moved to a swamp in far-off Virginia in order to separate lawmaking from the moneyed interests. And okay, to keep Thomas Jefferson out of Harlem.
WILLIAMS: [as Sally Hemings] "You said I could be First Lady! Hm-mm-mm." "We'll get back to you in 90 years."
MAHER: Now, don't get me wrong. I love Washington, D.C., and have such fond memories of all my years coming here and touring the monuments: Archibald's, Camelot, The Gold Club and the Spearmint Rhino. Oh, and speaking of the Rhino, if someone sees Harriet Myers, I was at her house last night and I left a small silver heart, a cross and my pants. And I'd like the cross back.
And Marion Barry, I'm sorry, but I ain't bankrollin' you no more, my brother. You've got to buy your own.
No, I love D.C. Where else can you see Robert Novak in his natural habitat? Hanging upside down from the rafters in an old barn.
But things have gotten out of hand down here. The ruling class needs to take stock and remember why you went into politics in the first place: not for the money, not for the power, but to do good, to help people because you love this country. And because no one would touch you in the private sector. Ooh, that hit a nerve. [Williams mimes typing and sending instant message]
Campaign cash has - campaign cash become nothing less than an addiction to politicians, and the first step to overcoming an addiction is to admit you're powerless. So if you're a Democrat, you're halfway home.
As President Bush, himself no stranger to beating an addiction, once said, "Denial ain't just a river in Libya." He's stupid. He's stupid.
Now, I'm aware that all this may be a bit jarring to you Washingtonians in that you're saying, "But, Bill, this isn't the time to move the nation's capitol around the country, aimlessly, endlessly, like Air Force One on 9/11." Okay, fine. But then at least agree that from now on, all lobbyists in Washington must dress like Jack Abramoff. [slide shown of Abramoff in fedora and trenchcoat] [Williams hums theme from "The Godfather"] This way, when you see your senator golfing with a guy in a black trenchcoat, you'll know what's up.
And if you're a politician, and if you get caught taking money from a lobbyist, you don't lose your office, but you have to dress like the whore that you are. [slide shown of Tom Delay in sexy drag]
© 2006 Home Box Office, Inc.
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